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Six Step Self-Worth BOOST Camp


Today we're uncovering the Six Step Self-worth BOOST Camp.


Starting with a poem from my book, Mind Over Natter, about overcoming negative inner critics.


Good Enough

by Tové Kane



Waking from sleep was good enough.

I’m alive in my life that is good enough.

The love I share is good enough.

How am I?

Who am I?

I’m good; and it’s enough. 




Here's a trailer from my book, Mind Overt Natter.





Some Question to Think About 


I'm talking about self-worth on my show and in my blog today. Today I feature this short poem that touches on deep subjects despite its apparent simplicity. 

Do you think you could be this person? 

What would your life be like if this were true? 

Do you ever worry you're not good enough? (I certainly do worry I'm not good enough).

Maybe we all do?

How good is enough though? 

And is enough good?



Self-worth


Two qualities frequently highlighted by my clients as areas in which they need help are self-worth and self-confidence. When self-worth and self-confidence are negatively perceived they become silent killers that permeate our thoughts and inflict tremendous pain. Who says we aren’t good enough? Who said it first, and have we believed it ever since? Many of us have internalised what we “heard” as our truth, and so we believe we are intrinsically not good enough.


People first assume they have a confidence issue, but after some introspection, realise the root of their pain is a lack of self-worth. Self-worth is a sense of one’s own value or worth as a person. The Cambridge Dictionary defines self-worth as, “The value you give to your life and achievements. Many people derive their self-worth from their work.”


Self-worth in terms of work, friends, finances, status, or the clothes you wear, is NOT the self-worth I am talking about here. Mind Over Natter challenges you to move away from comparison and competing and delve deep into your psyche, where your authentic self-worth resides.


What Determines Self-worth?


Self-worth is more about who you are rather than what you’ve done, or what you own, or what you wear. It’s a sense of self that relates to values rather than valuables.

Societal conditioning has made us uncomfortable with any phrase that includes the concept of self. We’re afraid to be perceived as vain or selfish, but there is enormous value in understanding who we are, how our mind formulates our thoughts, and then, how it responds to those thoughts.


My mind used to set a trap, and when I’d fall into it, my mind condemned me. I truly thought I was worthless, useless, and unlovable. I was the nowhere child with a bully for a mind. Once I stopped searching “out there” to find an authentic way to identify and bolster my self-worth, I began to hear the quiet inner voices of kindness and compassion. An important part of developing self-worth is the awareness for the need to change.


Our inner critics don’t give us credit for changing, growing, developing, or enhancing our experience. Instead, they perpetuate the negative belief cycle that has plagued us throughout our lives:


You’re stupid.

You’re no good with money.

You don’t know the first thing about accounts.

You’ll always be a fat nerd.


Our inner critics also speak in first person, and that’s why we tend to believe what’s said, because we’re the ones saying it:


I’m stupid.

I’m no good with money.

I don’t know the first thing about accounts.

I’ll always be a fat nerd.


Being mindful: stopping, breathing, assessing and only then responding allows us to interrupt this automatic cycle. Being mindful helps us accept that our thinking is outdated and more often than not, untrue! Our inner critics might remember incidents where we acted stupidly, but we aren’t stupid per se, and many creative solutions are birthed out of error. The real problem is getting stuck in the negative cycle and then promulgating it.


An expansive sense of self-worth encourages us to look at situations more mindfully, more compassionately and more light-heartedly. We don’t collapse at a problem; we start to look for solutions and remain open to possibility. Marie Forleo says, “Everything’s figureoutable.” If you feel you aren’t good enough, any difficulty is ammunition to wound yourself again, which confirms the self-fulfilling prophecy.


Let’s start by talking a little differently to ourselves!


Our thoughts change, as does our resistance. Instead of being a hostage to the inner critics, it’s possible to welcome them and review their doubts and concerns to see if they have a point. As you raise your game, the critics will do the same, so you have to remain vigilant. Offer compassion to yourself and your inner critics, and that will change the inner atmosphere of your mind. Make your mind a place where change is accepted and acceptable. Opinions held by inner critics can change. We aren’t stuck with a finite set of inner critics trapped in the past. We can shift them, change them, not believe them. They aren’t easily persuaded, but with persistence, gentleness, kindness and compassion, they will change. They will become your allies instead of your enemies.


A nay-sayer can become your champion. Remember, not all the voices are negative—there are some affirming, kind-hearted ones who want you to believe in yourself as much as they do.


Although Calamity Knockherblock leads the Calamity Clan, instead of resisting her, I embrace her clumsiness and chuckle at her faux pas. She’s an horrendous typo queen too, you can’t imagine the things she’s mistakenly texted. By relating to her from a distance and not strongly identifying as the fumbling eejit Ragnar Ragemeister (rage) labels her, I can regroup faster.


Self-worth & Self-esteem


Self-worth and self-esteem are intrinsically linked. Self-esteem is how we evaluate ourselves. It is an internal investigation of our qualities and attributes. When we challenge our negative inner critics with mindfulness, a healthy self-esteem will start to develop because what we think, feel, and believe about ourselves is honest and realistic.


When you have low self-esteem you operate from a place of, “I’m not good enough.” Everything that happens in your life is filtered through that deeply held notion, even though it is definitely not true. So even mundane interactions, once they go through your filter (your inner critics), can end up hurting you.


Self-worth is about knowing, and absolutely believing that you are worthy and valuable regardless of how you evaluate your qualities. In other words, if you have hit rock bottom and feel like shit, your self-worth holds onto the truth that you are still innately worthy! Are you worthy of another person’s attention and love? YES. Are you deserving of receiving good things? YES. Do you have enough to offer other people so that they might value you? YES.


Just because you don’t feel good about yourself, doesn’t mean you’re no longer valuable or worthy. That’s why it’s important to create a strong sense of self-worth to help you stay mindful when your self-esteem fluctuates, and believe me it will fluctuate.


We can’t search for self-worth “out there”. We don’t find our worth by judging or comparing ourselves to others. It’s an internal investigation and an absolute knowing that self-worth is intrinsic.


According to research by Jennifer Crocker, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, college students who base their self-worth on external sources (including academic performance, appearance, and approval from others) reported more stress, anger, academic problems, and relationship conflicts. They also had higher levels of alcohol and drug use, as well as more symptoms of eating disorders. The same study found the students who based their self-worth on internal sources not only felt better, but they also received higher grades and were less likely to use drugs and alcohol or to develop eating disorders. 2


Since the habit of judgment is thieving our joy, isn’t it worthwhile to pay attention to the way our minds operate? Observe the thoughts you’re having. I find the majority of my inner dialogue isn’t nearly as sophisticated as I’d believed. My mind is not engaged in deep, cerebral cognition, but rather, it’s nattering along repeating the same phrases today as yesterday. 


Change your thoughts to change your life.


You can only change your thoughts if you know what they are. Mindfulness will reveal the quality and tone of your thinking. This is an opportunity to identify where the mind is placing its attention, and then shift or change it if that’s what you’d prefer.

You don’t have to rate yourself, and it’s best to not berate yourself. Just be yourself. 

How to Build Self-Worth


Seduced by comparison, many of us mistakenly define our self- worth by our net-worth. Strip away all the noise of the material world—achievements, acquisitions, accolades—and focus instead on awareness.


Awareness is key.


Identify which thoughts and feelings are your own and which were handed to you. With ownership comes responsibility. Upholding an opinion means being responsible for the consequences, good or bad, expansive or contracting. Identify what you truly think of yourself. Sometimes, our low opinions of ourselves come from people who had low opinions of themselves. It’s not easy to clear the clutter to see what’s true. Truth in itself is changeable, since we’re perpetually evolving. What was true in our teens may no longer apply in our thirties. 


To help you ease your negative inner critics and relax, here is a mindfulness meditation from my book, Mind Over Natter.







The Six Step Self-worth Boost Camp


Mnemonics use a pattern of letters to assist in remembering. For Self-Worth, Think Worthy. When you feel you’re at the bottom, that’s great because there’s only one way to go: 


W = What pleases you?


Do what pleases you, and if that pleases others, that’s great. But you no longer need to please other people.


O = Outside, in.


It’s always an inside job. Don’t blame external circumstances for how you feel. Regardless of what happens “out there”, you alone control how you feel about yourself.


R = Respond, rather than react.


Become aware of responding rather than reacting. Ask yourself, am I responding (mindfully) or reacting (mindlessly/unconsciously)?


T= Think before you act.


Sometimes, we react automatically. Think before you speak. Awareness and compassion will help you respond rather than react.


H= Happiness.


When you create happiness for others, you achieve it for yourself. Your true value lies inside you— happiness comes from peace of mind. 


Y= You are still alive, so keep going.


Continually develop your internal resourcefulness, knowing there will always be challenges but you’ve got a 100 % track record of survival so far, so keep going! If you'd like some private coaching, reach out to me for a free discovery call and lets see how I can help you overcoming your negative inner critics.







 





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